Boxing Day at Mom and John's

We managed to get here when the turkey was done and the meal nearly on the table. Yeah! S had to go pick up kids and I gave Tisha a bath and got the house cleaned up  and Jack ready to go while she was gone. So the freezing rain did not keep us from coming but ... Jenna did text and tell me there is ice in Reedsburg and a possibility of a flash flood tomorrow. Weather keeps us hemmed in on all sides. So I will try to go home in the morning. I have much to do and later tomorrow it seems we are to get 3" of snow. I want to make it back down to spend time with Mike, Jessica and Eliana and have a proper celebration with food and gifts. I love this big computer that mom got because of Macular Degeneration. Mom has trouble now seeing faces and can still read but only with large print books and then a magnifier and good light. What a trial!

We  ate and skyped Jamie. Later Ira and Ashley arrived at Jamie's place with Evie and we skyped with them as well. They are on the way to S.C. for a week on the waterfront with family. I hope it is pleasant. Beck was riding with Gramma Honey.  I miss family so much and even though I am making the best of being snowbound and kept close by financial concerns it is still my heart's desire to be with my children and enjoy them at holiday time. Jessi, Jamie and Lance, Ira and Ash plus the two babies and then Mike, Jessica and Eliana. Sigh but now that I have said it again I will go forward bravely and with joy. My life connection lesson for Sunday is on Courage. I need to keep on keeping on. Bless you all.

Being strong and mature

God's aim for us as Christians is that we be unified, that we operate in the Kingdom of God now not just waiting for eternity in Heaven, and that we spread the gospel using all means ....sometimes using words (ha!)
Well this is some hat trick if we haven't let the word of God change us and mature us. Every slight or supposed slight becomes a looming threat if we operate in our own strength. The hardest slights are from family and those closest from us and those are the very ones that need the most grace. Those in the body of Christ end up being targets for criticism. We bulk up and posture to look good and we have high expectations of one another for our favorite characteristics and forms of integrity. We sometimes ignore out own flaws when we are concentrated on whatever we perceive to be another's lack. That scripture about ignoring the beam in our own eye while we tell our brother (sister) to remove the splinter...well I find this true for me and for those around me as well. We lick our wounds until they are raw.

I find that blogging my thoughts on a subject is an effective way for me to bring my random thoughts into order and see what is wrong with the deal. Often what is wrong is my own attitude. I recently blogged about the house growing smaller with 3 adults living in 3 rooms with a large dog and a lot of stuff. This is indeed a subject on my mind daily when I am there and sometimes when I am away as I know that is where I live. My blog set the situation up for viewing...not so much by my beloved fans (all 3) but for myself. As I write I see things about me and the putting it up there to see helps me make sense of my feelings as I organize and ponder the situations that come up. I do not apologise for using this blog system for my own growth. Instead I applaud my right to continue to be a self-reflecting person. I am intensely busy and often side-tracked with needs of others or pressing things to accomplish to keep the ship afloat so to speak. I take extra days to help others or earn a dollar or to just spent the money effectively so as to continue life, liberty and happiness for the ones I am responsible for at present. It is a weight but with God's help and this blog I may make it through without any major breakdowns or gliches. Those of you out in blogland please do not take my ponderings personally or decide major moves by what I write. Give me grace and allow the humor of the human comedy to filter through and bring you a chuckle now and again. Our dilemmas are similar. There is nothing new under the sun but oh my it can be an aha moment when you become aware of a lesson or a new level of maturity.

Romance is in the air!

Jenna has a new man in her life and he is super cute and smart. I look forward to his flying in and getting to meet him. I will be pleased if he is all he seems. I want good things for her. Maybe somthing good can come from an internet Christian dating service. Only time will tell.
Life has many twists and turns but oh what an adventure. I remember love at it's beginnings. No small thing that tangled web of emotions. I know more now but that alone does not decrease the intensity of emotions I remember well. Those feelings are private now as I adjust to the stage I am presently in. No less love just new emotions...
Love can never be clinical. It is too good and lovely to be without feeling. God is love. Oh how wonderful that is and how loved I am. I have the word of God telling me how precious I am. That with a trunk full of love filled cards and letters from my husband and kids and some dear friends make my life full and fuller. I do not fear my rocking chair with memories like those.
Jenna I hope that you make some good ones and find a man who will hold your heart dearly.
Jack tells me every day that he loves me and worries for my safety. I am indeed blessed!

Another Winter Storm Watch for our area...

We have gotton 15 inches this week so far and tomorrow is predicted to bring more and right on the heels of more snow the wind is to pick up and the temperatures to drop so wind-chill could be -25. Wow! I brought my silk long-underwear bottoms with me this weekend and I am glad. Last winter was bad but this one seems to have a possibility of putting last year to shame. Come on I do like a bit of snow but oh my not this incessant cold and snow. Shoveling is in my and Jenna's future I am sure.
Christmas is next week and I am eyeing the projected weather in our area. It affects the dogs and the people at my house. I hope Hobbz will willingly come in and stay in the laundry room at night. He likes to be outside but it is just too cold when it gets below zero. Hobbz is 15 and has seen his share of winters but his shelter is only a plastic dog house now, not a porch as was in La Valle.
I usually look forward to being snowed in once or twice a winter. I always have projects to do and a couple movies I could watch or a good book to read. My tiny house and the sharing of it has dampened my joy at having a snow day. Jenna is a student and she is chronically ill. I could go on and on about the drawbacks of living in a tiny house with those other than in your immediate family but I choose to look at the things which are positive that are coming out of this strange invasive situation. Jack has limited entertainment. A few library books, tv and his cell/housemates to amuse him with only occasional outings and visitors.
Jack gets care on the weekends and I get a change of responsibility coming to be with the kids plus opportunity to earn a bit to help us. That is the main gain for me. Perhaps if I did not have someone living with us we could live on less money and I would not need so much extra but that is not proven only "guestimated". I would have more space.
The benefits are also somewhat favorable for Jenna. She is getting hands on coaching and mentoring plus she is being encouraged to choose positive things for her health and her future. She would not be able to go to school without a situation that allowed her to live without having to pay her own rent/utilities/food/some transportation and other things needed for quality life. Her contribution does not offset the amount that would be needed to provide for her needs so this makes it a "benny" for her in that way. Living in a small area and having to consolidate and lose privacy is indeed a cost but setting any goal and working toward it is always at a cost.
I think about our situation and when drama/tension is high I wonder if it is the best choice at the end of Jack's life and at a time when I have so much stress and responsibility but I am prayerfully trying to listen and go forward to do the right and best thing.
God sometimes asks us to go out of our comfort zone for a time. One benefit of me cooperating in this is growth in my patience level but seems like every front has that opportunity (from Jack and his medical conditions and on to working with Tisha and various kids in their various states.) I am open to being stretched and changed. I am certain Jenna is too. She has her own list of irritations I am certain. Door slamming and pan clanging are some of my favorite normal activities. I love to have lights on and I talk to myself on many occasions. I have a strange sense of humor as well and can be quite candid when the occasion arises for me to air my thoughts.
This winter may be hard as our situation is like living in a log-cabin in the wilderness. The elements and the bears are outside and the smells, sounds, personalities, foibles and tempers are on the inside! Hoopla!
Bring on the snow and cold. Let's make this a winter to remember, huh? Love and Life are messy!

Oooocheeewawa!

The kids are wild tonight. Lewcie is here while her sister and Melissa go to a "Go Fish" concert. Demetrius and Lewcie built a fort out of pillows and blankets and a minute ago he busted his lip doing somersaults so now he has a fat bloody lip and wants ice-cream to soothe it. Heck I do not care these kids get a suger dose every few hours so it can't hurt.
Paula Dean is on and has Christmas cookies on with people coming on to volunteer their best recipes. Edward is in bed. Tisha is bathed and down for the night. Karah took a shower looking forward to church in the morning and I am fixin' to shorten their chains and put some down to bed if the rowdy stuff doesn't go down a level or two. The dog is barking and the giggle level just increased with the ice cream. Sigh. Kids having way too much fun is either a kick or a pain. Depends on who and what day huh?
Eliana was here today and it went very well. She cooperated and played well, took a tiny nap and ate as well as she ever does. She did lick her lips a lot and is chapped but oh my if that is the worst of it we are doing good. She was so good with the baby! She will make a good sister/helper.
I just lined up all Tisha's shoes and my oh my has she got a fine line-up. Most are high tops as those are the only ones that stay on. She is used to shoes now and likes them. Who was the shoe lady? Well for a 5 year old she is doing well in the shoe dept. Of course there is little that she needs or wants so if a few extra colors of shoes makes her dressed up and smiling then I am all for the excess!

Decisions with Lasting Results

I chose to stay home with my children. I chose to be the one who influenced and cared for them. Yes, I was okay with sending them out to a pre-school when they were 3 or 4 but really I wanted to help them learn and laugh and love each other. Was it successful? The proof is in the pudding. I have diverse but intelligent and vibrant adult kids. They have each found a direction for their lives. We did day care instead of me going out to work when they were younger. I did work part-time for a long time when they were older and that worked out so I still got plenty of input. I even became the youth director at our church in order to make certain my youngest and his buddy got the right influence.

I encourage folks to do what will be best for their kids even if it seems a hardship for a time. I am still paying for the choice I made but it is a small price for turning out good, responsible adults who know who Jesus is and want to serve Him. If I had made more money my social security would be bigger now and my life would be a bit smoother but golly gee whiz I think I did the right thing over all.

So the decisions we make have lasting results. I encourage you to think carefully about what you are choosing. Every day we make decisions that have effects for a long time. After I am dead some of my choices may still be showing good results. That rocks!

Of course struggling financially is a real concern but I serve a big God and things will turn around soon. At the very least I know I chose the better part.

I have posted pictures of these results. Enjoy!

Ok, today I smell winter in the air

...and on the ground as it snowed this morning. We had a marvie day with a total of 10 kids here today. In and out of the various rooms with fort building, wrestling, bustin a move to Jessi Lynn's CD's and even a nap for one and early to bed for the 5 I now have remaining. Whew. After last night of little sleep I am ready for a toasty warm and pleasant night of more sleep. I pray the baby and the puppy sleep well and long. I want to go to church with some of the kids in the morning but Karah is coughing incessantly. Not a pleasant sound for the birthday girl. Today we got some cakes and I believe a trip to Cracker Barrel is in the offing for the family celebration.

I won't stay for that Monday night event as I have Girl's Night In to attend at my own house. Jenna is off to get special tests in the morning. I have a very overdue chiropractor appointment and snacks to prepare. A gentleman from the church is coming by to sit with Jack while we are indisposed or is it predisposed?? I am whipped so a day of rest is planned for tomorrow after church however with many kids that may fall by the wayside.

I may have to take my Sabbath rest on Tuesday this week. I love to take it slow but still I hate to really stop everything. My favorite days start at 8ish with coffee and my Bible and end with tea and my Bible late at night say 11ish. In between I enjoy cooking, writing letters, organizing, planning meals, making lists, cleaning various spots, reading and perusing magazines, walking outside sometimes with a dog and even taking a run to the local used store to spot a bargain. That is a day I would really enjoy once a week but the other days are good too filled to the brim with work and errands, big jobs and small piled high. What kind of day is your favorite around the house? Do you like cooking or blogging or puttering or being outside or curled up in a chair with your journal. I like it all!

Next week is to be 40 degrees in the daytime and I have much to plan in order to go to Nashville for Thanksgiving. The little gifts to wrap and some special birthday boxes to get ready. Oh how fun a trip is and then how wonderful is the coming home. I love home but adore leaving and coming back. That is just who I am. A lady on the move with home in her heart always.

I can smell fall in the air.

I love fall. Autumn brings crisp apples and pumpkins, harvest bottles of canned goods and preserves. Kids playing in the leaves. Older folks out every day raking their lawns faithfully. The Chrysanthiums are for sale at the farmers market and the supermarket...many colors that honor fall. Wood smoke in the air at twilight and a cup of hot chocolate sounds good for the first time since last winter.
I noticed the yellow and orange starting weeks back bringing the promise of a freeze and chilly nights coming. The garden began to get brown all the while delivering those aubergines and peppers along with the ripening tomatoes. Squash replaced the sweet corn in bins and oh so appealing to my memories of stuffed butternut.
The sweaters come out of the attic and the tanks get layered with blouses and tops for the changing weather. Shorts are worn only part of the day and good old jeans are now the favored ones. The fall catalogs are lying in the baskets waiting for you to peruse and perhaps order one or two new items even though the budget screams "No!" You get excited when you go on someones blog and find fall pictures and decorations abounding. Yard work calls for a bit extra time to make it all happen before the snow will fall. The last lawn mowing seems fun because you know it won't need it again til spring. Anyway lawn mowing is more fun than snow shoveling.
Time to cook and bake and preserve the bounty from the garden or the market.
"Let's invite someone for soup and biscuits tonight honey... Get out a log or two and we will sit around the fire in the fire pit with our sweatshirts and a stadium blanket or two. Later let's go for a drive and see if we find any Elderberries to make syrup for flu season. Did you get enough chicory ground for some coffee tonight? Hey is the mint dried for my favorite infusion?"

Oh how I love the autumn season!

Hello Goodbye Hello

David is leaving tomorrow to go to a new foster home. The lady has 3 challenged kids like David and does day-care in the daytime. Suzanne wanted to fight this move at first but David requires so much energy and time that she now sees that perhaps it is in the best interest of Karah and Tisha for David to have another care-giver. David may need respite and they may call Suzanne for this from time to time. If so then we will be seeing David again.

I really enjoy him at times. Like this morning early when I let him curl up with me on the day bed and we giggled and cuddled. It was a pleasant time. If I were not totally practical about the amount of energy it takes to do a good job here it would really pull at my heart strings to see him go but he is very difficult and takes a lot of my energy and of Suzannes. We must police him carefully as he can escape in a moment. Those escapes can put the fear of God into anyone. The new Foster mom does not have a fenced yard and is on a busy street, so it will be her renouned skill that keeps him in line and safe. That and a few prayers from our direction I think. He is slick and waits til you get distracted or busy with others to pull his disappearing act!

Well, hope his mama gets her act together and gets him back soon. That would be the best solution I guess. So many children with so many needs and so few caretakers! Sigh.

Summer is ending and Autumn is peeking at me.

It has been swooping past me. I enjoyed the trip to St. Louis very much and wished for days and days more. My routine is just that a slightly varied routine that includes doing what needs to be done as best I can.
I am finding less and less help from my helper. It just seems to work that way. Jenna is starting school, working and feeling more and more constricted by the confines of lawn-mowing and giving showers and tending Jack to make sure he stays safe when I am gone. She still helps me a lot and tries to please but I sense it is wearing on her.
She is getting more and more "touchy" about Jack's tone and gruffness. I grasp that she has had some abuse and also that now she seems part of the family that Jack will treat her more like he treats me. But I am a tiger and she is a panda bear. I tell Jack when my feelings are hurt and when to quit being a bully. He may or may not listen but at least I have expressed my upset. Then I can release the anger. I think that Jenna tries but often has to go away to regroup and she does take it personal. I think itt tends to make her shy away from wanting to be around him and be able to just ignore the frustrating behaviors It will be happening more and more as the dementia slips in and confuses him.
I do try to just forget about it and go on, remembering to protect my heart from the words and tones but hang on to who he is under the veil covering his mind. Yes, he always was ornery but he was Jack my husband and only man I ever could stay with and somewhere he still is that man.
So I have to last, to hang in and keep on for his sake and for my own. I have to face God for my decisions and attitudes. They are not always good but I am going to hang on and do all I can to make Jack's last years pleasant or at least more pleasant than they would be in some institution. It will be more possible if I can enjoy some times doing what makes me strong and full of joy, and the things that cure the hopelessness that tries to come and instead cause the bubbling up of my spirit inside.
So, I pray for Jenna and am wanting for her to go on with her life as best she can. I do want the best for her. But at the same time I have to have help and Jenna is currently my helper and so I want the situation to be equitable for her living and helping and eating and staying warm and clean. I have no idea what she really feels about what she contributes to the household. I can hear it if she wants to state it but I have to keep the whole thing going so my focus is there.
Every man who earns the money for his family knows what I know. You must keep the stability and do what you have to do within the confines of integrity. I am grateful for all the wonderful things that go on. I keep a gratitude journal to keep my focus steady. I am not asking for pity or charity though I wouldn't turn down the gifts that God would provide. I just want a little understanding that my situation is totally different than it has ever been. I am descending into a vortex and I must keep my wits and my relationship with the Lord must be intimate and transcending so I can make it through. So I blog to put it down in words, to make sense of my life as it spills out of me. I know that this is not all about me. I am just a small part of the picture. I love that. Praise God it is not all about me. Something bigger is going on. Lord help me do your will!

The Pond is Back!

I heard the sound of rain, Miss Piggy nudged me again and again but I was so tired. Then came hail and more thunder, nudge nudge, and then when I finally was able to wake up I found a lake in back and a pond in front. Evidently we got another nearly 10 inches of rain. Oh my!
Earlier the straight line winds had knocked a huge section of fencing down and it fell on my lilac bush and broke it off at the base. Jenna with her back out and me with my back ailments had to lift it up off the lilac and other plants it landed on and brace it up. Then the next day Jenna wired it up until we can manage to screw in new heavy screws in new places to hold it. The back gate is only held on by the dirt it digs into. It got put on backwards when Ira and Jessi did it and then I think has been removed several times since but needs a lift and adjustments. Well, the dogs are still with me. I thought surely Hobbz had gotton out but with all the thunder accompanying the wind he hid behind the shed under some boards and did just fine. A soccer ball was 20 feet from the fence section that was blown out and it never even moved. Go figure...
So rain rain go away from Reedsburg please!

In Search of the Lake that Once Was...

So how does a flood make a lake disappear? This is a good question in retrospect but we all saw the lake water rushing out of the lake and taking houses with it so we know it did and can happen somehow when there is too much water. The 100+ inches of snow and then the rains that seemingly would not stop created conditions that hinted of disaster and then suddenly was one. FEMA is here and the houses that were affected are either sitting empty or being reconstructed by workers trying to regain a place for families to live again.
Jamie and I went in search of pictures of the lake that was and we did find a large expanse of mud and cracks that once was a resort and playground to many. Standing on the sandy beach looking out was just mind boggling. Look and see for yourselves. What will be twice as interesting is the process they will begin to fill that expanse back up with water to satisfy the community and the businesses who want their lake back! We will be there with camera's rolling.

Tasha Tudor has Passed from this Life.

I did not know until today when I was catching up with fellow bloggers. Wednesday last she passed away and I know the world has lost a creative and idependent artist. Tasha wrote books, made marionettes, loved Welsh Corgis and lived independently in her old age.

She has a lasting place in my list of older people that I revere and strive to be like. I do not know what she believed but do know she lived a life of creativity and joy. For that I will try to emulate in my declining years. She went barefoot and lived among her dogs and relics enjoying her family to the last.

She passed away Wednesday, June 18, 2008 and would have been 93 in August on the 28th. If you want to see her work please look her up on Amazon. She wrote various children's books which she illustrated and I own her pictoral book of her home and life in Vermont.

We are still WET! I speak from the midwest (Land of Tornados and Floods that is). I have much to say about the past week or so. We got 14.5 inches of rain in one day after already being saturated and then more rain the next few days, steady downpours of rain, the kind that you do not want to step outside for any reason as you are soaked in a second.
I was in Madison working with the kids and we got a workout running up and down the stairs at S's place as the t.v. would announce a funnel cloud had been sighted and we were in the possible path. Straight line winds were also a problem and were from 60 to 90 MPH. So I wrestled the kids up and down during naptime for Tisha and to David's complete irritation. He simply becomes dead weight and fights you when you want him to cooperate with anything he does not grasp like an emergency for example. To his 5 year old downs-syndrom mind I was asking for something over the top to have him go up and down to be safe. So my back was tired and my temper frayed but we made it with a little help from the 6 and 7 year old girls.
Karah (my God child and little blessing) cooperates nicely in an emergency although she is terrified of storms; she trusted me and we made it fun. She had a friend over, Jonathan's (He was a foster from S) little sister Keesiah who is 6. The giggle contest was on. These girls knew how to be silly together so that helped when things got tense from the storms.
I was getting cell phone calls continually from Jenna and others in Reedsburg telling me what was underwater and how bad things were. My front yard is now renamed "Willow Run" as the water ran and made a pond with my house floating in the middle. The dogs had to pee on the back steps for if they stepped down they were swimming I am told. What a grand adventure for us and what a nightmare for many others.
We now have FEMA setting up shop in town with National Red Cross next door at Pineview and RAFT (Reedsburg Area Flood Team) sharing the space with a divider they borrowed from our church to delineate the areas. We went to get bottled water and they gave us Miller Water canned in Milwaukee where Miller High Life took a half day off from bottling beer and did water just like they did for Katrina. I admit it has a taste I do not prefer compared with the spring water bottled in plastic but oh well it is wet and safe where our sewer treatment plant got flooded out and the water was questionable. So we are still boiling it for use with cooking and drinking only bottled water.
Well, the water went down at my place after Jenna and her sister and boyfriend moved all the pots and yard things up onto the deck. They tell me the water came up near the door. I am so glad it did not go higher. I do not have a basement and for that I am grateful! All over town people were flooded badly. We watched the fire department use boats to help people at the end of our street and for blocks back from there all houses were in danger.
A few places will not be able to ever be inhabited and the city will demolish them as they are dangerous. LaValle was underwater and the roads were closed so many places that getting anywhere was a real big problem and time consuming. I 90-94 was closed and the traffic rerouted to Highway 12. What a trip I had with Eliana coming up from Madison to Reedsburg last Saturday. It took 4 hours with a couple quick stops to potty. We were plenty sick of the car and the slow speed we had to go over the Baraboo bluffs with all those big trucks changing gears and impatient drivers butting in after racing ahead on the shoulders. But all in all people have been so good to one another.
I teared up when I saw all the possessions our on the curb for blocks and blocks waiting to be picked up by the disposal service who offered to help. IT was horrendous to say the least. Most of that trash is still waiting as it just is megatrucks full. What they are to do with it all is a huge question. We are requested to not use much electricity and water as it is too much of a load. So just like in a drought we must conserve. This flood is all over the midwest. Homes are lost and lives are lost. The devestation is just mind boggling. Many will be financially ruined by this disaster. I covet prayers for all those who have been hit so hard in this area of southern WI. I know Iowa and Indiana and parts of Illinois are affected too.
I hope that it makes some stop and realize that life is what is really important and that God wants us to look to Him. It is a sobering time which I hope God gets people's attention. I have never regretted giving my life to Christ. He goes with me through every hard thing and joyful moment. He is always with me and heaven seems a wonderful end to this life I have lived. I look forward to the time where there is no crying or dying.

Amazing things do happen.

I went to visit mom and it was a wonderful visit. She does not feel well enough to go to the wedding but she was so sweet and well, like I always want my mom to be. I did tell her by phone and then reiterated it later that when she has her surgery that I want to be there and stay all night with her so she will feel safe and cared for. She liked that as she is concerned about having surgery. I do want to be there too. I am just ready to let go of the whole past thing and just move forward with grace, to go forward with God in the lead! In this process I am giving myself grace as well. Forgiveness takes time to be thorough but the beginning is just a prayer of being willing to forgive.

Wishin' and a Hopin' for a Truce.

Today if I could affect a change in the world it would be one that could mend what is broken in our family and help other families to do the same. But if Jesus Christ's death on the cross was not enough to make this happen then my piddly wishes and hopes would be a puff of smoke in a windstorm and nothing would last or stay fixed. So I suffer on with hopes and prayers for a healing in our knarly situation, for denial to lessen and fantasy to stay only in our storytelling times, for kindness to be the method of delivery when we deal with one another and forgiveness to be the balm that ends the bitter taste of gall when it rises like heartburn and heartache seems to rise.
Today I thank my mother for not being determined enough to abort me, for caring for me when I was sick and trying to help me meet my needs through many years. I thank her for teaching me to write better and that practice is how you learn anything worthwhile. I apologize for the times I was a burden. I apologize for the times I could not handle the pain of our secret any longer and sought for something to ease my tortured mind. I am glad she tried to find a better way for herself but I would love to remind her today that money is good but security is only found in a relationship with the living God. She may not read my blogs as the computer seems to offend her sensibilities.
Mom I love you and I do not mind that you love John most and put him above me. It is okay, he has many good things to offer and varied talents and charms. I do mind that you think he is perfect however. No one is but Jesus Christ and He is God. I only mind that you refuse to forgive. Not for me as I have forgiven you and John and Dad and many many others for abuse and unfair treatment for both me and for others...I am releasing the resentments regularly through prayer and the retraining of my thoughts. I appreciate what you have given me and do not begrudge you your foibles. But for your sake I mind your bitterness. Vitriol spoils the container and I want you to know peace by putting to rest your grievances and lists of failures for others. I know I am on that list for all you see perfect in John the glasses turn to me and mine and the tint is dark and out of focus. Today I would want you to drop the bag of discontent and run free, lighter and more able to love. I only wish that my expression of this would make a tiny crack that would begin the healing. I don't want to go on as it is if it can change. Do I think I am better or even really good? No. I know I fail and fall short. I admit my lacks and ask you to admit yours. I am a sinner saved by grace and I am working out my salvation by relationship with the living God day by day. There is no achievement that supercedes this process.

Mother's Day Thoughts

I have loved being a mother and mothering other people's kids too. I am not certainly any kind of expert. All I learned was from reading, watching, doing, failing and feeling the conviction of the Lord. I am not the Proverbs 31 woman but I enjoy working at being better. I am unable to affect my own kids and the"extra's" lives very much now. That is as it should be. Kids grow up and you release them to be who they are.
I see that it takes time to disengage from "the mother" if she is critical or hangs on too tightly. Both of those styles of mothering have put unfair stress on the adults that want to go forth and live the life they dream of. I bless my children often in my prayers and I talk myself out of interfering very much. I am proud of the married partners my kids have chosen. Troubles come and go in all their lives. The inevitable fights occur and opinions diverge even within loving relationships. I pray for peace and the fruits of the spirit to grow in them all.
I think the kids that have come from these unions are precious gifts of God and I will and do pray for them with fervor and spend time with them as it is allowed. I had the best of grammas and want to be a lasting memory of love to my grandkids. I just want to be a fun gramma with love that is eternal.
My kids have usually have lived far away as adults and that is a heart crusher at times but I raised them to be independent and to follow their dreams with God in charge. So I must release them graciously to do just that.
I admit that I love hearing from them. I crave those text messages and e-mails and the phone calls or notes in the mail. I sometimes get sad that they are so far off. My arms ache to hug them. That is just the mother's heart in me. When I fear for a child I give them to God. This is right to do and I do it when I feel the worry and concerns come. I do it often at times.
Mother's Day? A day to honor the mother who gave you life or gave you wings. I like the theory but it just is not the whole answer. I want my kids to rise up and call me blessed of course but not just with a hallmark card or a gift. Those are lovely and they touch my heart deeply however a true blessing may come after I die when they speak of me. Then no one will stop the truth from bubbling out from one to another. I will not hear it, I will not be there but it would be nice to hear the blessing words and not just the stories of the crazy things I have done in my life. And I do admit those wild and funny stories will surround me when I am a mere shell in a casket. Our lives follow us even to the grave.
My deepest longing is to have the Father God say "Well done my good and faithful servant!" For that I strive..........

I am beginning a project!

I love to do projects and I am lining them up right now! I bought material at JoAnne Fabrics for 5 aprons! But that aside, I have begun a new project and CSI will just have to take 2nd place for awhile. Ever since the job at the church has become passe I have been frozen. Add to that the actual diagnosis of Dementia for my husband and I am just in a zone. I don't really have any friends to do anything with that is unrelated to my 'daily grind' life. I love coming to Madison and working for S, it takes me out of the smallness of my life but it still has some fierce limitations. I was made to travel and pop in on folks and investigate little shops and do projects alone and with others. I miss scrapbooking at Judy's. The delight I used to take in packing up and driving there over hill and dale, unloading and immersion began. The day passed, I may have gotton stiff from concentrated efforts but no matter. Lunch was always special and the limited social ambiance was perfect for me. Touches to and from others but no one absorbing me. Sigh!
I have need of diversion and of expression of my talents. Church calls for some of my talents and living with others calls on others, serving and teaching are indeed wonderful things to do. I do not regret this time spent but oh how I want to dance in the creativity of my soul. So...I have said all this to tell you that I purchased a huge funny looking scrapbook album with a frivolous picture of a thin woman in a car on the front and it is to put my desires and likes and tastes in with some poetry and prose in between. Dogs to Dishrags it will be me! So I challenge any readers who get to a place of unrest to do this very thing. You do not need a special format just follow your heart and collect many magazines to peruse and cut to smithers. My advice is to do two at once. The kitchen and the heart if they are somewhat seperated. I am gathering all the recipes that sound like they would taste wonderful or benefit my friends and putting them in a 2nd album. Joy is creating this. I wish I could teach this as a class for boosting creativity and finding out what direction to go next. It helped me in the past when I was frozen or discontented and I am awaiting the curtain to rise this time also! Happy creating to us all, God made us in His image and He is the best at creation! Aprons and books or potroasts and curtains, it is all the same...just begin and flow in the direction it takes you! Yeah!

I love to read blogs!

Tonight I spent awhile chasing rainbows as it seems finding blogs that spoke to my heart so I thought I should post a few for you to check out and see if you like them too.

Blogging is fun and it is a way to touch people when you just cannot take the time, effort or find a way to reach people outside your sphere. It is also a way to stretch your limits and jostle your views and opinions, experience new things and find like folks who stimulate you.

Good hunting!

What a week of work and exploring!

In my search for money to pay the bills I have had an interesting week. Suzanne and I have kicked around the idea of doing a family home day care but with all the drawbacks I have decided not to do this and told her today to go forward with her plans and I would continue to look for a position that met my needs.
I cleaned for Peggy in her trailer home. It is starting to look better and shape up. She bought Jenna's Whirlpool washer and dryer as theirs died a sudden death. They both work and so laundry is in the process...I did 12 loads last week at my house and then delivered them folded to Peggy. The kitchen is now taking shape. Not the best shape but there is now a table and they can eat or sit and coffee there instead of eating in the living room. We rearranged the living room and made it more attractive. Dave is dead set against getting new carpet but the stuff they have is wrinkled and bunched, smells like dog and mold and basically will never let them feel good about the house. Peggy wants to just save money and surprise Dave while he is at work someday but I am encouraging letting him change his stubborn decision and let him think it was his idea. We start with prayer...
We shopped and with $169 we bought food and supplies for making meals for 2 weeks. A day of chopping and sauteing and stirring and voila -freezer and fridge are now full and they are enjoying the meals. Their vacuume broke so Jenna is going to try to fix it. I am always overjoyed that someone likes to take things apart and fix them. I hate it and really never remember how they go back together. So viva la difference! We are making a silk purse out of a sows ear!
Then it was T. Stamman meeting week so Peggy and I made taco salad for many with volunteer donations as was on the list of needs. It turned out well as usual but Tom left early due to a sudden snow storm in Minnesota. I sat in the office during the service and did my resume for a job in Reedsburg that may be the one for me - Church Secretary at the Methodist church is needed and so I feel qualified. Now they not want me but it is in and I looked mighty good to the ladies in the office. I also put an app in on line for Kwik Trip and went in to meet the manager at the store nearest me. She is willing to work with my schedule in Madtown. Yeah! The money is not the best at these jobs but maybe staying near home would benefit me. I want to help Peggy get her home in order and start to develop self esteem. I also want to help her kid Nick to learn to read so he will not follow in the path of n'ear do wells that have gone before. He has potential and why not invest???
So I have ideas and a direction. I want to try to keep Jack at home for now and see if he can get stronger and keep his thinking skills at the level he is at now. I think the chiro and vitamins and Jenna keeping on him to exercise a bit have kept him alive this long now maybe we can do it awhile longer!
My main goal is to get the credit card habit licked and off my back and my credit record and to be able to enjoy the work I do and the time I have. I want to build a few bonfires, have a party, plant a small garden, paint the bathroom and scrapbook again. Is that so bad? No. I can do it!
Lord help me do it please!

What if I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments...what is it?
1. Produce: Sweet Potatoes
2. Bakery: Scones or healthy bread
3. Meat: Turkey or Fish
4. Frozen: frozen veggies like for whatever I wanted to cook that day
5. Dairy: Organic plain Yogurt
If I was to listen in on your conversations throughout the day, what 5 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear?
1. I love you too.
2. Oh Yeah!
3. Use your Walker and stand up straight!
4. It is what it is so Get Over It!
5. What's up with that?
Let's say we're heading out for a weekend getaway. You're only allowed to bring 3 sets of clothing with you. So, what's in your bag?
1. Comfy jammies you could be seen in with Crocks to match.
2. Bra and Panties from V.S.
3. Pink lounge suit with jacket
So, what 3 things do you find yourself doing every single day, and if you didn't get to do, you probably wouldn't be in the best mood?
1. Wash face and apply moisturizer, brush teeth
2. drink my English Tea with milk and stevia
3. think and read my bible and pray
We are going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it'll have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?
1. Aviary
2. Monkey house
3. Random
You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on t.v. of your choice. You can pick between 4, so what are you deciding between?
1. Animal Cops New York
2. Rachel Ray (any)
3. CSI Miami
4. L.A. Ink
You're hungry for ice cream. I'll give you a triple dipper ice cream cone. What 3 flavors can I pile on for ya?
1. Vanilla Bean
2. Buttered Pecan
3. Vanilla
We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?
1. Organizing my scrap closet oops that would take longer!
2. reading blogs
3. yard work...it is bad
4. blogging
5. exercising, shower and do nails
So, someone stole your purse...in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. What's in there?
1. Keys to church with purple light on them
2. Keys to my car and a remote (with a pink metalic flip flop on them)
3. Brown leather wallet with checkbook/Drivers License etc. inside
4. Stevia green and white bottle/migraine pills/ibuproferin
5. Kleenex pack
You are at a fantasy job fair, and asked what areas you are interested in pursuing a career in. Let's pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?
1. Missionary who works with abused women
2. Owner/manager of small tea/coffee house
3. Animal cop
4. artist/writer
If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in high school, and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?
1.) Journal your feelings
2.) Put men and marriage off 'til you finish school...college that is
3.) Find out who you really are and settle for no less that that
4.) Find a way to go to and finish college no matter what
Stole this from another blog but the answers are all mine!

Sometimes I just don't get it...

So a gal I have been mentoring for awhile has just committed fraud and I know about it. She will pay for what she has done but she is bluffing her way through to appear as if she did nothing but believe wrong information. I have listened to her and to the facts and see that she is not telling the truth. I want her to have to suffer the consequences of her choices. Why? Not to be cruel but so she will accept the responsibility of her own heart's evil. We all have to do that in the process of getting over being religious and becoming a true follower of Christ.
The humbling of a person is the sometimes only way to get rid of the pride that tells us we are entitled no matter who we hurt or what law we break. I am so sad but Jesus is the only one who can get through to her in the dark night of her private innermost thoughts and dealings with God. Once we see who we are in our own strength then He has a chance to change us into His likeness. But only by clinging to Him through it all. I cannot get out of my consequences either. God has me under His personal plan of refining. But this? What bugs me most is this lady is smart enough to have known she couldn't get away with this obvious act of fraud. So I don't get it....maybe it is so I will look harder at my own senseless acts of desperation.

Musings and grumblings

I am in a blizzard with the flu. This aching just won't stop. S is sick in Madison. Peggy went there last night and took care of the kids. She will go again if the 12 inches predicted don't keep her away when she can get free at work. Demetrius will go with a family that is very interested in him should he become adoptable. They are Christians and the dad is gung ho on sports and loves to do homework with kids. Could anything better occur?
I would have gone to work in Mad but with the wind 25 mph and snow coming down and my body aching and tummy so touchy I just could see nothing but me by the roadside being sick. Thus I am watching Animal Planet and listening to Jack cough. He thinks he is getting better but I don't see much change...well maybe he didn't cough as much and he did finally sweat. That may be a good sign.
Yesterday was the first day of spring and Amberly and Jimmy gave birth to their son Christian. He came in at 8 lbs 7 oz and 21 inches long. Mama and baby are at home and hopefully doing well. Jimmy is there for the weekend so all should go well. I am interested in hearing how they do when he goes back to work.. Amberly sleeps when Jimmy work Perhaps Jimmy doesn't need a lot. They are young. Jimmy is 22 I think and Amberly about 25. The good thing is he adores her and was greatly looking forward to the baby arriving. The pregnancy was hard to maybe she will be more active now. I remember those days with my four. I only had help with Mike for a couple weeks as I stayed at LaValle. It all worked out. So if I could get well from this flu I could go take pictures and post them of baby Christian! Sigh oh well back to Animal Planet!

My house is sick and longs for spring...

I have a cold. Jack is coughing and Jenna seems under a rock for sure. I have worked in an environment of unhealth and lived in one too. I am currently in Madtown taking Vitamin C and eating grapefruits and wishing I had rum-soaked (or is it gin soaked) raisins. Oh and I am taking that homeopathic that fights flu. they want an arm and leg for it so I only got one packet of 6 doses. The sun is out and Tish is down and I am blogging and not resting but both are beneficial to my health either mental or physical...
I look forward to spring and want to enjoy the onset. I am collecting pictures of flowers and yearning to rototill and plant peppers and chard. Sigh. Maybe I will grow some baby herbs to transplant just to ease my anxious self. Mostly I need to look for ways to earn a hundred bucks and then do it again each week. Sigh!

Wedding Bells will soon ring out!

So it looks like Jamie and Lance will be getting married in May at the Bridges of Madison County and that immediate family will be invited and it will be the day before the reception at Cedar Valley. Wow! It is going to be a wonderful day for them and I pray I can be there. Things are not good financially but I pray that money will happen and jobs will appear and I will be there with tinkley bells on! Yippee! I believe this will be good. I have a positivity over this that overcomes the natural suspicion that people have for anyone trying to marry their daughter(sister, or best friend) so I am just going with that wonderful positive impression. My prayers are with them of course just as they have been for Ira and Ash, for Mike and Jessica and the products of those unions. Marriage is a wild adventure. It is not for the unstable or the fearful or the day-dreamer there is much to much reality for the day-dreams to stay alive and too many dangers for the fearful and too much adventure for the unstable. Marriage is for the brave and adventuresome who find the reality is better than the fantasy and refuse to retreat in the face of the dangers that appear. Marriage is business and partnership and covenant stuff with mysteries that never are solved and tensions that stay taught and problems that ebb and flow and sometimes are put behind us. Marriage is a trial and a blessing and a long road that winds and climbs. I know this well after so long and so many false starts. Blessings upon them as they plunge beneath the waterfall holding hands. Blessings upon them as they walk down the winding and steep road. Oh yeah!

Yeah It has not snowed for days and days!

Come have tea with me and celebrate the thought of spring. I am told we will get a few more gasps of winter that will stop us in our travels and then it is actually coming. I am thrilled. And I might add my lovely eldest daughter Miss Willow is to wed in the spring somewhere USA and then a lovely reception in her church later. Sigh! Not only is my future son-in -law made just for Jams but he is a Christian, kind, loves kids, is tall, leaning toward really handsome and has a very romantic name. It is good! Spring, a wedding and beginnings!

Snow what thats what!

This blogspot keeps rejecting my blog for some unknown reason so I am tiring of writing inane sentences about snow. The fact is I have huge icicles and Jack went out and removed a lot of the most beautiful. If I could make the pictures go to this computer I would share them but today nothing is going perfect so I am ending the blog sessions and going to boil some chicken up for a tasty chicken soup dish for my weekend.
Jenna got a job so pray that Jack does well without us.
Tishtosh is in a mood. I have taxes to do. Money does not grow on trees nor does the cupboard fill itself. The freezer is getting empty which is a blessing until it is gone and then it may be less a blessing.. My precious job is soon to be without pay it seems. Sigh! God has a plan and I am hanging on with my faith engaged.
Next week is the first Sunday night Service (Alternative with coffeehouse atmosphere) and I learned something new about my computer which thrilled me to death. I actually learned how to take a full page and shrink it and put 6 sheets on a page for a booklet. Not hard but who knew? Not me until I found a guru willing to share and then experimented until I found how to do it so it was really readable. Yippee! Ending on a high note I will say no snow is predicted this weekend. Yeah!

Day after V day! Ruminations...

Okay so I am game for a V-day with few surprises. I got 7 inches of snow that was 3 more than predicted...Jenna shoveled a lot. She also tried to clean and help me rearrange even though she was short on energy after all that snow. We had rented The Holiday from V market to watch but it took us so long to do the work that it was late and we lost Jack to sleep and sheep and then Jenna had a headache and went to Petersons to sleep as Daisy is hers this week. So I watched it alone. Then because I had not gotton it all cleaned up in the bedroom after rearraging I had to sleep in the recliner. I ate chocolate and brownies and Pizza and salad and still today I am eating candy at S's and white bread biscuits. I have to get over it I tell you. I am housebound and concerned about 5-6 really serious things and eating seems to happen every so often and too often. I need Spring bad.
So Jack went out with me to get his B-12 shot and then PW gave him $5 so he could get me a Valentine at V market. It was nice. He is often normal and a good man resembling who I married but then once in a while I wonder just who this man is. (You can get his story from him on a good day filled with old wives tales and interesting speculations about women in general and some just meant for me.) I will just smile and say "Get used to it".
The shower for Amberly is this Sunday and guess how much snow is predicted for that day? Just cannot believe it but they have said 10" and above. I hope this is just not going to happen. All the work and fretting I have put in getting ready for this massive baby shower. Now I just hope people show! Well, with 60 invited maybe we will get a normal sized group if it is possible to drive at all. We will have to eat a lot of cake if it is a bust...gotta love the melodrama of it all.
Winter is now old if you ask me.Today I wish I was on an island with sand, sun, shade (and no spiders), a good book, a cool drink and a breeze. Oh Yeah! No shoes, no shirt and no problems...just me and my swimsuit and sunblock. What kind of fantasy is this? Winter in Wisconsin Fantasy! Oh Yeah!

Reading Opens New Worlds Up to Us!

What are you reading? Who are you teaching something new to? What will you learn today? I have brought with me this weekend the following books and publications along with my Bible and Prayer Portions book:

The Memoir Club a novel by Laura Kalpakian

The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

Brush Arbor Quarterly sub-titled Stones of Remembrance published by Wisdom's Gate

My Daughter, my joy A Helen Exley Giftbook which I picked up at Frugal Muse.

123 Book meme

All who read this please find the nearest book of over 123 pages and go to page 123. Count down 5 sentences and write the next 4 sentences. Please post the name and author of the book and post on your blog. Please leave a comment with a link if you do this so I can read it! I look forward to this and below is mine...

I saw this on someone elses blog and just decided to use it to stimulate.

The nearest book to this computer that is mine is Rick Warren's "The Purpose Driven Life". Page 123 opens chapter 16 which is What Matters Most....my excerp is:
That's why we're given a lifetime to learn it. Of Course, God wants us to love everyone, but he is particularly concerned that we learn to love others in his family. As we have already seen, this is the 2nd purpose for your life. Peter tells us, "Show special love for God's people."

Thanks readers!

How will I do this?

I am in need of an answer for my financial dilemma. There is not an easy answer! I am looking to the left and to the right watching for a door that God will open. I am ready to give up anything that God would require but I have cut much out already. It is necessary for me to fast and pray for an answer. The fact is I cannot make it through even the month ahead with what I can see will come in and what must go out. I want to think outside the box and I wait on an idea or a gift from heaven. I have been in a bad spot before and God helped me. I do not want to presume upon God but He takes care of His own. I depend on God for all now that I am certain that depending on Credit is indeed presumption of the worst sort. It presumes that God's hand is short, that I am above doing without. So........as I walk out the penalty for not trusting God in the past I do not want to continue this line of thinking. I want to instead go to a place of total trust. He will see me through.
Do not pity me. Watch and see what my Heavenly Father will do! His timing will be perfect. I am humbling myself by confessing my wrong thinking and actions of pride. His word is true and His Spirit is alive in the world today. I will listen and learn and go forward under His hand.

Tea Quote

It is strange how a teapot can represent at the same time the comforts of solitude and the pleasures of company.

-anonymous

I want to rearrange again!

I am the eternal tweeker only over the years I know my tweeking has gone over the top. I had Ira sleeping on a shelf above a closet once and he moved around so many times at the LaValle house from room to room that he grew to like it better than a static room of his own...I know the gypsy in me tends to affect those around me. I told Jenna that I was not happy with the way things were in the bedroom or in the Kitchen and wanted to rearrange. I swear I saw her get paler... she then wailed "oh no!" but I must you see. So as I think of how to best make it workable in both rooms I looked online for ideas. Please vote as to the style that best represents me to you from what you have learned of me on my blogs or in the real world... I need time to do this...a snow day or a slow day...do I have those anymore? Seldom but it must come and soon.

My Dozen

What Dozen things must I have in my kitchen:
1.) Onion
2.) Celery and Carrots
3.) Spices: Cayenne Pepper, Sea Salt and Garlic
4.) Almond butter/Peanut butter as well as Pecans/Almonds/Brazils or Hazelnuts
5.) Coconut oil and EVOO
6.) Lemons or Limes
7.) Tea and a pot for a bit of refreshing with cookbooks/mags to peruse
8.) An assortment of flours like spelt/brown rice/amaranth/oat/corn meal
9.) Brown Rice with additions of Rye berries and Wild Rice
10.) Salad stuff - anything goes
11.) Eggs preferably Cage Free
12.) Cheeses: Goat and Feta and Farmers for example plus a bit of Jalepeno Jack for nachos

To these things I add what I find is interesting, inexpensive this week or down in the bottom of my freezer like: Fish/Chicken/Beef/Lamb and Turkey and the organic veggies at Whole Paycheck that are anywhere near affordable...this week it was beets/leeks and parsnips.

I cook from my head but also my heart...I like the supper table to be cleared and pretty with napkins and placemats. I often cook soup each week and have a huge salad for several days. In winter it is best to consume the warm before the cold so a bit of soup is good before each meal. I like stews and country fare made healthier with lighter ingredients. Flowers are welcome but a nice teapot makes a lovely centerpiece and the one my husband gave me for Christmas has been sitting in a matching tray and will stay there til valentines day when I will find another lovely eye pleasing low thing to adorn the table center. I try to create tasty and economical healthy meals. Sometimes they are a 10 but really often I only hit a 7 or 8. I just keep on trying to tweek it to perfection. Life comes at you hard so be prepared!

Mama said there'd be days like this...But Weeks?

Oh Lord, Help!

For the Record!

This was another of those weeks that stretch you and either break you or make you able to bounce back like the proverbial rubber band. Monday I was here, stayed until we took Suzanne's green van in to Firestone then I drove to the office where I did not find what I was looking for. Went to the bank, then home and got Jack ready and drove back to Madtown for Chiro appnts. Jack's X-rays were eye opening and way encouraging. Some of the employees who saw them cried at the life they saw opening up in the vertabrae's. Yeah! Accupuncture was barely endurable this week but eventually over and we left for Cambridge to eat supper with Mike and Jessica and play with Eliana. Mike helped get Jack in and eventually back out. Thanks son! It was fun and the bread Jessica made was delicious. The air smelled like sewer when we arrived and I cringe that they have to endure that but guess it is part of the house deal. The place is old and not kept up well. It has not got the charm of the LaValle house but the same caretaker so ???guess it will fare similarly. We were tired so left at 8 so we could be home at 9:30 PM. I stopped and ran in to Walmart to buy a turkey quickly for the Peterson meal on Thursday when we will have our traditional holiday meal together. Tuesday when I awoke I needed to rush to the church to meet some older gents who were making a free paper delivery (the last as the mill closed) and that was fine. Then the Alliant man was to come to my house to checkout my furnace. The good news is we are not dead. The bad news is ..."Condemned"! So then I hurried to search for a reputable heating and cooling person. I checked references with the Alliant man and then called 2. The one who answered promised to come immediately so I ran to the dentist and got my fillings done for tiny cavities and cancelled the crown. Home again to meet with the Muchow man, his company did research for a new wall furnace that would fit in the place the old one was and we then found out that we needed a new chimney up to code as well. The whole deal could be done that next day and the price seemed right (ouch!) as I went online and checked wall-furnace prices which would have the BTU's needed for 1100 square feet. It is done and we are warm. There is always a critic and I heard about my mistakes in buying the house to begin with and etc. For some reason I think I couldn't please her if I was perfect.
But I did my best and that is good enough for me. I know I was not negligent and I thank God that we did not die from the CO the old furnace put out. It was checked a year ago and it was fine. Things change, stuff happens and I cannot be held responsible for all that comes up. I try to stay on top of what needs doing but it is more than I can handle some days. So what should I do? Quit? NO! Later I heard that more of the critical spirit was being verbalized. It makes me feel bad and 2nd best on one hand but on the other hand God knows what I am dealing with and He will deal with both me and my critics with mercy and justice. That gives me confidence to go forward. I already know that I am 2nd best in some eyes, stupid for believing in God and for a long list of other things. I just have to keep loving the ones who have destroyed my family and took away my home. I now have a new home and my family first is my kids and grandkids. I want to honor my mother and help her when I can and show respect for my brother inspite of all that has happened but sometimes the anger overwhelms me and sometimes I am certainly very very sad.
Blogging helps me overcome the feelings!
So the next day (yesterday) was another one full of many things. It was snowing...we accumulated over 6 inches by night. I had to take Jack to the clinic for his shot. That place was very sparse with people. The snow had scared them off. I stopped after the clinic to drop off some things Pam W needed for her daughter's birthday visit (Kari turns 21 today) and hung the bag on the doorknob. I texted her where it was and soon got a call with her crying hard and begging me to come as she had fallen down the outside steps and hurt her back bad. I took Jack home and went back quickly to take her to E.R. where we spent the next 4 hours. Jenna had to shovel and finish the meal. I missed prayer and so did she but the needs got met and dinner happened. It was good in many ways but I am wiped. After dinner the kids watched the 12 dogs of Christmas and followed their parents home. Petersons sump pump went out and their basement flooded on Tuesday and the clean up will take months. Then Jenna and I went again to check on Pam who was taking her flexerall and Vicoden and needing help to lift her left leg. Home to sleep, up for coffee and packing to come down here, another check on Pam and I stopped to find my calendar that would fit in my frame as no one got me one. I finally found one that I liked and got it for 75% off. Yeah.
Needless to say I am dead tired and heading for bed now. I thought Mike would come after work but guess not. We had agreed to go online to look for something but oh well. It will happen later if not tonight. I have Chiro in A.M. Progress on my health. I am racked with pain tonight. It is about a 7 on 1 to 10 scale. Yucky huh? Well, it will get better... the stress causes flare-ups of the Fibro but it is on the way out. I love going online and blogging and reading others blogs and next week I will try and make it more positive as it is bound to get better. God will not let me be crushed completely.
I am considering going to a Financial Counselor as these emergencies are tough (but not one of those fly-by-night ones that steals your money and does nothing.) I will do research to find what I need! This onslaught has to end eventually. But even if it does not I will stand strong and do my best. That will have to be enough. God will help me. I believe and will not be shaken loose. Shaken but strong that's me!

Left the group home for the asyllum!

When I came down I knew I couldn't really leave Jenna with Jack and I hated to bring him and leave her with the dogs so I asked Peggy to come over Friday thru Sat. and Heather to take the overnight and take Jack to church shift and then Peggy could come back if it suited her. Well it was a real adjustment for all. I have had hours on the phone listening and advising. Jenna is still hurting but her feelings are hurt by her dad and others laughing and making little of her pain...Peggy did not know exactly how to help and so Jenna got mad and did most of the work. I coached a bit and she prayed so got the idea that she needed to be more specific and understanding with Peggy's efforts. The eyes are still black and she is still swollen a bit. Her head hurts and glasses are still not useful. I am still amazed at that fall. Guess I was not meant to see that particular movie...my love for Nessie is strained at present!
So I left after Tom Stamman and a week of working overtime trying to keep up. Got here and the kids were subdued as it was Friday. The green van is making noises so I did not have to transport Metrie to see his mom and she didn't want him til Sunday anyway so I get to just stay here and hang out. Tisha is in rare form with M.O.M doses to end her painful BM's so it has been a poopy time in some ways. She has such a fit when I clean her up. She even bites and kicks!
So, I am taking it one hour at a time...slept 8.5 hours last night and it was good! My hip hurt from shoveling but it feels better now. I ate all wrong but oh well... drank more coffee than is good for me but oh well. Had to take pain stuff today again. Eating is the key to being pain free that and exercising and getting rid of subluxations. So today the place became very crazy all at once. Isaiah came in while I was having the kids clean up the playroom downstairs. Then I dyed my hair and when the plastic bag was applied to increase the heat and processing on top of the tinfoil sections...here came Jordan and Lewcie without Peggy so they are here playing and all chance of cleaning is out the window. They make huge messes and are extremely loud! I did get several complement on my hair. Kids are so accepting of my streaks of wierdness. I look forward to tomorrow when Jessica and Eliana are spending the day. My only regret is that I may not be able to go to church. If not then I will spend more time in the word tomorrow night. Life has all these twists and by the way if I did not tell you, I am tired, not dead but really tired. I am sure it will pass. I feel the urge to sleep in one more day and keep my pj's on 'til 11:00.
But the crazyness... it better pass...am sick of the complete nutso life with bombs on the left and on the right an alligator swamp...straight ahead is quicksand and I can never retreat to the denial I was in. Onward with sword and shovel...

Think about it-

Love is a fire.

But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

- Joan Crawford

Another Week to Heal!

She (Jen) is a bit better and I am buried in the mess of our life. All I have done is care for folks and try to do my jobs in between. AAAAARGGH! I wish I were more able to handle the deal but it stresses me. Mom talks to me and says "You sound like you are handling it just fine. You don't sound stressed." She thinks stressed is a total nervous breakdown. (I am into faithful but the stress is huge at times...) No way...How in the world am I to sound? Must my voice go higher and I begin to stutter or must I randomly cry??? Oh no that is not me I just keep on trying until I find myself in someone's garden picking peaches to eat from my car on the way to nowhere. Blah!
So last night was the Tom Stamman meeting. My writers all bailed on me due to personal issues and weather. It was a fantastic night with many people there. Lines were on all sides of the room for various things. I was so excited! I found others to write and the chili cooked merrily away downstairs to be consumed by 30-40 people later. It went well and I was in bed by 2 AM after shoveling the walk so we didn't get a fine. It has not snowed here again and Dave brought Peggy this morning and scooped a bunch more. I am surrounded by immature and unreliable Christians who are struggling to learn and grow but...the old demons keep rising up and making them think a certain way. Joyce Meyer's book "The Battlefield of the Mind" should really be required reading for every Christian that wants to grow and learn and become all that Christ wants us to be. I really enjoyed last night and had the opportunity to clean off about 8 cars from 3 inches of wet heavy snow while the drivers sat eating chili in the basement. Fun! My body slept like a baby (up every couple hours but never fully awake) and it was a good night.
I am overjoyed to be here for the weekend. I like how S is fixing up the house. Jackie was here cleaning today. S has a big heart and wants to help those she knows who need it badly. J does clean hard and will paint as well. I brought along magazines and notebooks to use to build my plan for the year. I am investing in my own future and putting incentives into picture and word form so I can go back and encourage myself. Oh, and by the way I have done pretty well at not spending a lot this week. I stopped and got stuff for Chicken soup to fix tomorrow with brown rice and veggies. I am just very tired and feel the need to heal and rest while working. At least I am serving kids here and they are more loving and simpler than adults. That part is a plus for me. I loved my life with my kids for the most part taking away the really tough sick times. It was the best of times. Taking care of Karah and Metrie is like that. Jordan is a bit harder. She so needs one on one with mom or a loving adult. Lewcie is doing fine but is quite a tom-boy much like Jessi Lynn was.
Oh funny. I met a man with a 3 year old chocolate lab who is named Jessica Lynn! I laughed hard! He has his hands full for another year at least. Yesterday was dog day for me. After getting a lot of disappointments from my workers I said I thought I liked dogs better than people so I had to call Turk an Irish Wolfhound, Pam a Golden, Gail a Chihuahua and Peggy a Shepherd. When asked what I am I said " A big Great Dane"! Then the whole night was about dogs... some guy came from Illinois that manufactured Doggie Bites the healthiest dog treat in America according to CNN Interview. He donates $10 out of each sale to support a kid in Tom's Feeding Centers in Guatamala, Honduras, Peru, someplace in Africa and also in India. Go Tom and Go Doggie Bites! Wish it had been my idea! I love my doggies but I too want to fight injustice and help the starving kids have full tummies, stay alive and find JESUS!

Oh What a Mess I'm In!

So got back on New Year's Eve and made my resolutions prayed at Midnight after taking communion. New Year's Day brought more opening of gifts and then dinner with friends. It was a pleasant time and all but Jack watched Ratatoulle and laughed together. After the gang left Jenna had more gifts for us and during that time I discovered that my camera had been broken. Someone no doubt dropped it or knocked it off and put it back where it was. I had no recollection of anyone using it or touching it after the earlier pictures we had taken. I was everywhere though and not in perfect attendance of my guests while the movie got started. I know almost all got up to use the restroom at some point but nothing points to any one. One is 14 and prone to mess with stuff but still I cannot accuse just because of that! So, even if I pinned the person down no one has money and they don't even own a camera themselves so what use to follow up I thought...? So I accepted the loss and Jenna taped the camera to hold it together and it is useable so far if taped. Just after making resolve to not spend using credit...tricky devil. I still am not paid for the camera "lost" by a person using it for church business who had a past of dealing with theft on occasion. I do not say he did it on purpose but I do think that he has a nice new digital camera now and I once in awhile get a small payment on the camera. He still owes me $137. So then I realize this is not only a trial but a test. Take a breath, forgive, and move on... Jenna and I wanted to go to a movie after Jack was to go to bed so we checked it out. I love the story of "Nessie" so Water Horse is appealing to me and shot in Scotland to boot. We had to deliver some kitty litter to PW as she left it in Jenna's car earlier. When we pulled up to her house it was dark. I had already turned off my phone and told Jack when we would return to the movie so I had turned his off too as he was in bed. (He does know how to turn it on.)
She pulled her car up to a huge snowbank and got out with the litter and disappeared behind the snowbank. I saw her get closer to the house, turned and looked ahead. After a few moments I turned and looked. No lights on the porch yet and no sign of a figure between me and the house but I couldn't see the sidewalk only the steps area going up to the porch. A little longer and I was wondering if she was talking to Pam or what??? Could she be hurt? About then I heard a thump and crying. I quickly opened the passenger door and saw a horrible sight. Jenna was cut open on her forehead and bleeding everywhere. Her shirt, coat, face, hands were full of blood and she was crying that her head hurt. I helped her into the car and raced around to the drivers seat and began praying outloud all the way to the E.R. I pulled into the unload zone and grabbed a wheelchair and helped her into it. She looked bad and moaned that her head hurt as she held her head. I got nurses and the night was off to a snails pace. The doctor, perhaps German, who is on for a rotation of 4 months at Reedsburg came in and examined her saying she would be fine, just fine. I called Pam and told her that 40 pounds of kitty litter was on her sidewalk and what had happened. She felt terrible so I gave her the job of calling for prayer back-up. Amberly called next and had heard so I gave her a 20 second run down then I called Pastor who drove right down for an hour or so. They gave her a Tordal shot for pain, a cat scan to discover if anything is broken or crushed and 4 stitches in her forehead. At last just before midnight we went home. Jimmy and Amberly came to see us and he took my car keys to move my car so I could drive hers up to the house to get her in. He was just finishing up when we pulled in so helped us in. It was a long night. Ice packs on the head front and back and wake her up for pain layering meds every 3 hours not that she slept a lot or me for that matter. The next day she discovered her knee was swollen a lot and hurt to walk on that left leg. Black and blue marks ensued and by golly swelling in the eyes came so bad this morning that her eyes were not able to see very well and actually her glasses got abused badly in the fall and will not be useable so new glasses are in order. A friend in church is going to buy her a new set of glasses. What a blessing! So we walk this out one day at a time. Working is out of the question as is applying for jobs until she gets back to normal. I could tell you a lot more about how everyone still expects her to do the same service jobs until they actually see her then they back off. Wheew! I am taking care of two invalids again. I wonder what I did to bring this on??? IT may be good for me in the long run huh? Whew! Poor Jenna. Poor Jack. Poor Me!