Amazing things do happen.

I went to visit mom and it was a wonderful visit. She does not feel well enough to go to the wedding but she was so sweet and well, like I always want my mom to be. I did tell her by phone and then reiterated it later that when she has her surgery that I want to be there and stay all night with her so she will feel safe and cared for. She liked that as she is concerned about having surgery. I do want to be there too. I am just ready to let go of the whole past thing and just move forward with grace, to go forward with God in the lead! In this process I am giving myself grace as well. Forgiveness takes time to be thorough but the beginning is just a prayer of being willing to forgive.

Wishin' and a Hopin' for a Truce.

Today if I could affect a change in the world it would be one that could mend what is broken in our family and help other families to do the same. But if Jesus Christ's death on the cross was not enough to make this happen then my piddly wishes and hopes would be a puff of smoke in a windstorm and nothing would last or stay fixed. So I suffer on with hopes and prayers for a healing in our knarly situation, for denial to lessen and fantasy to stay only in our storytelling times, for kindness to be the method of delivery when we deal with one another and forgiveness to be the balm that ends the bitter taste of gall when it rises like heartburn and heartache seems to rise.
Today I thank my mother for not being determined enough to abort me, for caring for me when I was sick and trying to help me meet my needs through many years. I thank her for teaching me to write better and that practice is how you learn anything worthwhile. I apologize for the times I was a burden. I apologize for the times I could not handle the pain of our secret any longer and sought for something to ease my tortured mind. I am glad she tried to find a better way for herself but I would love to remind her today that money is good but security is only found in a relationship with the living God. She may not read my blogs as the computer seems to offend her sensibilities.
Mom I love you and I do not mind that you love John most and put him above me. It is okay, he has many good things to offer and varied talents and charms. I do mind that you think he is perfect however. No one is but Jesus Christ and He is God. I only mind that you refuse to forgive. Not for me as I have forgiven you and John and Dad and many many others for abuse and unfair treatment for both me and for others...I am releasing the resentments regularly through prayer and the retraining of my thoughts. I appreciate what you have given me and do not begrudge you your foibles. But for your sake I mind your bitterness. Vitriol spoils the container and I want you to know peace by putting to rest your grievances and lists of failures for others. I know I am on that list for all you see perfect in John the glasses turn to me and mine and the tint is dark and out of focus. Today I would want you to drop the bag of discontent and run free, lighter and more able to love. I only wish that my expression of this would make a tiny crack that would begin the healing. I don't want to go on as it is if it can change. Do I think I am better or even really good? No. I know I fail and fall short. I admit my lacks and ask you to admit yours. I am a sinner saved by grace and I am working out my salvation by relationship with the living God day by day. There is no achievement that supercedes this process.

Mother's Day Thoughts

I have loved being a mother and mothering other people's kids too. I am not certainly any kind of expert. All I learned was from reading, watching, doing, failing and feeling the conviction of the Lord. I am not the Proverbs 31 woman but I enjoy working at being better. I am unable to affect my own kids and the"extra's" lives very much now. That is as it should be. Kids grow up and you release them to be who they are.
I see that it takes time to disengage from "the mother" if she is critical or hangs on too tightly. Both of those styles of mothering have put unfair stress on the adults that want to go forth and live the life they dream of. I bless my children often in my prayers and I talk myself out of interfering very much. I am proud of the married partners my kids have chosen. Troubles come and go in all their lives. The inevitable fights occur and opinions diverge even within loving relationships. I pray for peace and the fruits of the spirit to grow in them all.
I think the kids that have come from these unions are precious gifts of God and I will and do pray for them with fervor and spend time with them as it is allowed. I had the best of grammas and want to be a lasting memory of love to my grandkids. I just want to be a fun gramma with love that is eternal.
My kids have usually have lived far away as adults and that is a heart crusher at times but I raised them to be independent and to follow their dreams with God in charge. So I must release them graciously to do just that.
I admit that I love hearing from them. I crave those text messages and e-mails and the phone calls or notes in the mail. I sometimes get sad that they are so far off. My arms ache to hug them. That is just the mother's heart in me. When I fear for a child I give them to God. This is right to do and I do it when I feel the worry and concerns come. I do it often at times.
Mother's Day? A day to honor the mother who gave you life or gave you wings. I like the theory but it just is not the whole answer. I want my kids to rise up and call me blessed of course but not just with a hallmark card or a gift. Those are lovely and they touch my heart deeply however a true blessing may come after I die when they speak of me. Then no one will stop the truth from bubbling out from one to another. I will not hear it, I will not be there but it would be nice to hear the blessing words and not just the stories of the crazy things I have done in my life. And I do admit those wild and funny stories will surround me when I am a mere shell in a casket. Our lives follow us even to the grave.
My deepest longing is to have the Father God say "Well done my good and faithful servant!" For that I strive..........