It has been swooping past me. I enjoyed the trip to St. Louis very much and wished for days and days more. My routine is just that a slightly varied routine that includes doing what needs to be done as best I can.
I am finding less and less help from my helper. It just seems to work that way. Jenna is starting school, working and feeling more and more constricted by the confines of lawn-mowing and giving showers and tending Jack to make sure he stays safe when I am gone. She still helps me a lot and tries to please but I sense it is wearing on her.
She is getting more and more "touchy" about Jack's tone and gruffness. I grasp that she has had some abuse and also that now she seems part of the family that Jack will treat her more like he treats me. But I am a tiger and she is a panda bear. I tell Jack when my feelings are hurt and when to quit being a bully. He may or may not listen but at least I have expressed my upset. Then I can release the anger. I think that Jenna tries but often has to go away to regroup and she does take it personal. I think itt tends to make her shy away from wanting to be around him and be able to just ignore the frustrating behaviors It will be happening more and more as the dementia slips in and confuses him.
I do try to just forget about it and go on, remembering to protect my heart from the words and tones but hang on to who he is under the veil covering his mind. Yes, he always was ornery but he was Jack my husband and only man I ever could stay with and somewhere he still is that man.
So I have to last, to hang in and keep on for his sake and for my own. I have to face God for my decisions and attitudes. They are not always good but I am going to hang on and do all I can to make Jack's last years pleasant or at least more pleasant than they would be in some institution. It will be more possible if I can enjoy some times doing what makes me strong and full of joy, and the things that cure the hopelessness that tries to come and instead cause the bubbling up of my spirit inside.
So, I pray for Jenna and am wanting for her to go on with her life as best she can. I do want the best for her. But at the same time I have to have help and Jenna is currently my helper and so I want the situation to be equitable for her living and helping and eating and staying warm and clean. I have no idea what she really feels about what she contributes to the household. I can hear it if she wants to state it but I have to keep the whole thing going so my focus is there.
Every man who earns the money for his family knows what I know. You must keep the stability and do what you have to do within the confines of integrity. I am grateful for all the wonderful things that go on. I keep a gratitude journal to keep my focus steady. I am not asking for pity or charity though I wouldn't turn down the gifts that God would provide. I just want a little understanding that my situation is totally different than it has ever been. I am descending into a vortex and I must keep my wits and my relationship with the Lord must be intimate and transcending so I can make it through. So I blog to put it down in words, to make sense of my life as it spills out of me. I know that this is not all about me. I am just a small part of the picture. I love that. Praise God it is not all about me. Something bigger is going on. Lord help me do your will!
