Today if I could affect a change in the world it would be one that could mend what is broken in our family and help other families to do the same. But if Jesus Christ's death on the cross was not enough to make this happen then my piddly wishes and hopes would be a puff of smoke in a windstorm and nothing would last or stay fixed. So I suffer on with hopes and prayers for a healing in our knarly situation, for denial to lessen and fantasy to stay only in our storytelling times, for kindness to be the method of delivery when we deal with one another and forgiveness to be the balm that ends the bitter taste of gall when it rises like heartburn and heartache seems to rise.
Today I thank my mother for not being determined enough to abort me, for caring for me when I was sick and trying to help me meet my needs through many years. I thank her for teaching me to write better and that practice is how you learn anything worthwhile. I apologize for the times I was a burden. I apologize for the times I could not handle the pain of our secret any longer and sought for something to ease my tortured mind. I am glad she tried to find a better way for herself but I would love to remind her today that money is good but security is only found in a relationship with the living God. She may not read my blogs as the computer seems to offend her sensibilities.
Mom I love you and I do not mind that you love John most and put him above me. It is okay, he has many good things to offer and varied talents and charms. I do mind that you think he is perfect however. No one is but Jesus Christ and He is God. I only mind that you refuse to forgive. Not for me as I have forgiven you and John and Dad and many many others for abuse and unfair treatment for both me and for others...I am releasing the resentments regularly through prayer and the retraining of my thoughts. I appreciate what you have given me and do not begrudge you your foibles. But for your sake I mind your bitterness. Vitriol spoils the container and I want you to know peace by putting to rest your grievances and lists of failures for others. I know I am on that list for all you see perfect in John the glasses turn to me and mine and the tint is dark and out of focus. Today I would want you to drop the bag of discontent and run free, lighter and more able to love. I only wish that my expression of this would make a tiny crack that would begin the healing. I don't want to go on as it is if it can change. Do I think I am better or even really good? No. I know I fail and fall short. I admit my lacks and ask you to admit yours. I am a sinner saved by grace and I am working out my salvation by relationship with the living God day by day. There is no achievement that supercedes this process.
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